List of things that will not help

1. Putting another knot in the rope.
2. Hitting it.
3. Swearing at the fucking thing.
4. Hitting someone with it.
5. Using your teeth.
6. Pouring petrol on it and setting fire to it.
7. Running it on an empty tank.
8. Pushing it into a smaller space.
9. Rubbing it with a solvent.
10. Using an abrasive cleaner.
11. Adding more salt.
12. Putting it through the blender.
13. Shouting at the call-centre worker.
14. Bleach.
15. A boil wash.
16. Leaving it in the sun.
17. Salt and soda water.
18. A brisk rub-down with a rough towl.
19. An emetic.
20. Rubbing with grease.
21. Buying a newer model.
22. Trying to raise the nose cone.
23. A piece of kitchen roll.
24. A small square of foil.
25. A weak borax solution.
26. A repair man.
27. The fire brigade.
28. Consulting a physician.
29. Marker ink.
30. Dusting with flour.
31. Plunging into iced water.
32. Washing it with cola.
33. Boiling it in vinegar.
34. Selling it on Ebay.
35. Static mats.
36. A copper bracelet.
37. Reporting it to the authorities.
38. Filling in a form.
39. Taping it shut.
40. Replacing sprockets.
41. Hanging it in a damp place.
42. Placing in a cool oven.
43. Sending it by courier.
44. Never speaking of it again.