A few things about hair

1. Curly locks, curly locks, wilt thou be mine?
2. Da Vinci drew it curling and running like water flowing.
3. Hair floats in water. It feels soft and free when you are swimming. But when you get out, it is heavy and sticky and prone to tangling.
4. When the wind gets in my hair, it sets into hard sharp points that whip my face. It doesn't do this when I'm blow drying it.
5. Hair in the plug hole is disgusting. I don't even like to think about it. It is also disgusting when it gets mixed up with dust and blows into the corners of the bathroom.
6. I don't like hair that gets caught in a hairbrush. I hate the grey fluffs I find among it. But I like to comb out my hairbrush and then wash it. The bristles become shiny black again, and the hairbrush looks very pleased and proud after a wash.
7. On a dry night I like to brush my hair in the dark because I like to see the static. It is marvellous to hear it crackle. In the morning, I like to see the strands fly out -- I am extending the reach of my head.
8. I like to twist a hank of my hair, moving back from my forehead towards my temple. I pin the ends above my ear. The bundle of hair feels smooth and hard.
   
9. I don't like to see an old woman with greasy, dirty hair. I feel angry that she has neglected herself, and then sorry, because she might have problems reaching her head, or perhaps her shower is not working and no-one will fix it for her. Her family has decided she is too difficult and grumpy.
10. There is advert hair, which gleams like a french polished table, or a tumbled stone. I imagine technicians wearing headphones rubbing and buffing it until there is nothing left of the real hair. Advert hair is hair that I can never achieve -- but I expect myself to try.
11. There is newly washed and dried hair spread over the pillow and a whispered: "You smell nice."
12. There is hair that looks better than it should at 3pm on the third day since my last hairwash.
13. It is lovely to have, on a hot and bothersome and frustrating day, your hair brushed off your face by a cool hand.
14. When hair gets in the way, it is a great relief to tie it into a pony tail, or to pin it back, or trap it under a tight hat.
    
15. Hair can be one thing (a single hair) or lots of them.
16. It is very satisfying to pluck out a single stiff hair that has been sitting invisible at the corner of my lip.
    

List of things that will not help

1. Putting another knot in the rope.
2. Hitting it.
3. Swearing at the fucking thing.
4. Hitting someone with it.
5. Using your teeth.
6. Pouring petrol on it and setting fire to it.
7. Running it on an empty tank.
8. Pushing it into a smaller space.
9. Rubbing it with a solvent.
10. Using an abrasive cleaner.
11. Adding more salt.
12. Putting it through the blender.
13. Shouting at the call-centre worker.
14. Bleach.
15. A boil wash.
16. Leaving it in the sun.
17. Salt and soda water.
18. A brisk rub-down with a rough towl.
19. An emetic.
20. Rubbing with grease.
21. Buying a newer model.
22. Trying to raise the nose cone.
23. A piece of kitchen roll.
24. A small square of foil.
25. A weak borax solution.
26. A repair man.
27. The fire brigade.
28. Consulting a physician.
29. Marker ink.
30. Dusting with flour.
31. Plunging into iced water.
32. Washing it with cola.
33. Boiling it in vinegar.
34. Selling it on Ebay.
35. Static mats.
36. A copper bracelet.
37. Reporting it to the authorities.
38. Filling in a form.
39. Taping it shut.
40. Replacing sprockets.
41. Hanging it in a damp place.
42. Placing in a cool oven.
43. Sending it by courier.
44. Never speaking of it again.